I've also been looking for someone to rescue me from my own consequences. For instance, I thought I could just tithe and give my way out of my financial troubles. On the surface it looks I am demonstrating great faith by giving so much money to the Church, but what's really going on is I am attempting to buy my way out of work. I really need to grow up in this area.
In my last post, I wrote about a trial of my faith because of a car accident. Because of that accident, we were pressed into getting another car. The insurance settlement wasn't enough to pay off what we owed on the van and put something down on something else. The Lord was gracious enough to me show that this is a trial and I need to behave a certain way. Well, I am happy to report that I did behave well and I did pass this trial. It wasn't the outcome I was expecting, but God did show up and did reward us.
For as long as I can remember, I have been financially weak. I've made bad decisions about money and have looked to God to save me from the consequences. This behavior bears fruit through bad credit scores and limited ability to get loans when needed. When the van was totaled and we found out that we would have to buy another vehicle, I was very nervous about it because I didn't think we could get approved for a car loan. I thought for sure we'd have to go to some Buy-Here, Pay-Here lot. I thought we'd be stuck with high interest charges on a old car. So I immediately started thinking about how easy it would be for God to just give me a car through some wealthy person in the church. I thought God was going to move on someone to come slap a set of keys in my hand and point to a car in the parking lot. After all, God used me once to give a car to someone else. I have sown my seed and I thought it was time for me to reap my harvest. But that's not what happened. Instead God gave me something that I really needed. He actually got me approved for a car loan at a reputable car lot with good terms and also made a way for me to generate more income.
What's so amazing about that? A lot of people have car loans Max. What did God do that a bank couldn't? I know it sounds like I am making lemonade here but nothing is farther from the truth. By providing this car loan and the means to generate more income, God is giving me a chance to stand on my two feet. Instead of living off the charity of others, I am actually carrying my own water. There have been times recently when we've had to live entirely off the kindness of our friends. We were not self-sufficient and it's hard to feel good about yourself when you live like that. I am now faced with the responsibility of making the payments for this car. Which means I'll have to act like a grown-up and go to work everyday. I'll need to be diligent and make smart financial decisions. I'll need to control myself and not do anything to jeopardize my income. I can no longer just casually take a day off when I feel like it. This is new territory for me. I don't have a very good track record when it comes to shouldering a burden. But all that is changing.
I am now committed to working overtime, improving my sales performance or getting a second job if that's what it takes to meet all my obligations without asking someone else for help. I am standing up and taking on the challenge of paying my own way. I know God will help me if my efforts are not quite enough so I'm not worried. My main goal at this time is to act responsibly and meet this challenge, where before my main goal was to find some way to escape the challenge. I am not looking for God to send someone my way to dump a huge pile of cash on me. I am asking God for His strength and encouragement as I do my best. I don't need rescue, I need resolve.
Here comes the really miraculous part. I never knew this guy lived inside of me. I never knew there was a real man with a real spine inside of me but lo and behold I found him. I have never demanded this kind of maturity from myself. And it feels great to know that there is a man living in me that can be trusted and relied on. I know this man that I am becoming is not going to go spastic or ballistic at work because someone hurt his feelings. I know this man is going to get up every morning and face his responsibilities. I know I can trust this man to keep a tight rein on his tongue and thoughts. I know I can trust him to do what he says he's going to do. I've never met this guy before and I like him.
As much as I would have enjoyed God giving me a car, I am actually enjoying the opportunity to make car payments. I like the fact that I had to work 20 hours of overtime to pay for the taxes. I like the fact that I worked those 20 hours without complaining or acting like God was ignoring me. I am really enjoying getting to know this man I am growing into. It seems a little sad that I am just now meeting him at the age of 45 but better late than never right?
Yep, I'm feeling pretty good about the way I met this trial. I kept my head up, I kept my witness, I'm acting like a grown-up. A free car would've been nice and there still may be one on the way but for the time being, I'm happy with finding a man in the mirror.
