Graduation day

That's it, I've had it. I can't tolerate this one more moment. It's a shame that it's taken me 44 years to finally get fed up with this but better late than never I suppose. I'm finally fed up with this child I become when things don't go my way. It's embarrassing to look at all the times I threw a fit like a spoiled brat when I was unhappy with the service I was getting at a restaurant. Or the times I'd throw a fit at work when sales slowed down. I can't stand to even recall the ways I'd pout and slam things down and get snippy with people because a sale didn't go through. It's humiliating to have to admit that I am "that guy."

There's no use in trying to deny it anymore. I am "that guy" who throws a tantrum like a five-year old whenever he's unhappy. Well, I used to be that guy. It's humbling to think about having to learn something like this in my mid-40's but I have learned it. I finally got a glimpse of myself on the verge of one of my fits at work today and stopped it before it started. I didn't get philosophical and wax poetic about just being patient. I didn't try to buck myself up with a personal pep-talk and a "We'll get'em next time!" Nope, I just caught a glimpse of myself throwing a hissy and got nauseated. I couldn't stand the sight in my imagination of me pitching a fit and ruining my witness. For the first time in my life, I stopped to think about what kind of damage I'd be doing to the Kingdom of God. For the first time in my life, I put the Kingdom of God ahead of my own need for attention when things don't go my way. For the first time in my life, I chose to do what's best for the Kingdom and put my flesh under. I don't mind telling you, it was difficult and exhilarating all at the same time.

On the one hand, my flesh was unaccustomed to be told "No" but on the other hand, my spirit was invigorated at being held to a higher standard. I don't know enough words to describe how good it feels to know that I have not totally lost my dignity again. It feels so good to know that at some point in the future, God can call on ME to minister to someone who needs to hear about His love. I am still a viable candidate!!! I still qualify for service because I haven't ruined my reputation. I can still be used to bring someone into the kingdom because I haven't made myself into a laughingstock with some childish outburst. I'm getting excited just reliving it in my memory!! I can't believe I'm the one saying this but I am counting it all joy that I faced this trial and passed it with my head held high! I can be proud of the way I acquitted myself.

Would I have enjoyed getting the sales? Probably but I'm not worried about that. I am not my own source. I don't have to make sales for God to provide for me and prosper me. What I do need to do is continue to walk like a man through this world. I need to walk like a man who knows he's a son of God, a co-heir with Christ, a ruler and a victor. I need to continue to show the world that my joy does not come from my sales. God can't do anything with someone whose going to fall to pieces when the enemy attacks with slow sales and whispers of defeat. I've spent a lifetime giving God nothing to work with. Thank God that ended today! Forgive me for the small amount of grousing and griping I did do and as you help me Lord, I will undo that damage. Thank you Lord for showing me in my own mind what I must look like when I meltdown like a man who has no hope. Thank you Lord for the strength to stand up like a man and take bad news with some self-respect and dignity. Thank you most of all for showing me what it means to seek first the Kingdom of God in that situation. When I think about the shame I could have brought to the name of Jesus by blowing my stack, I get sick to my stomach. But when I think about the great exploits I still qualify for because I restrained myself, I get excited. It's graduation day. I've finally made it out of preschool! Hallelujah.